i can't believe i've wasted my time on this

so, there's been that top story in the news which is such a non-story about the high school kid who traveled to iraq. on cnn.com they keep referring to him as the florida "ferris bueller" which has made no real sense to me. i keep thinking to myself that the similarity may be that ferris bueller skipped school as did this kid but in a more extreme way. today, i finally click on the link of one of these articles and see that this kid's first name is farris. is that why they keep calling him ferris bueller? why don't they call him "farris" bueller? so stupid.

it's about time, pussycat

i just want to give a shout out to the recently knighted sir tom jones. congratulations!

'Mommy's a secret spy' -- Plame's cover blown again

yeah, it was really hiliarious the first time it happened and now this! btw, this is headline news at cnn.com.

i heart willie nelson

the new york times online has an interesting article about willie nelson and his quest to sell his own brand of biodiesel called biowillie. this is just the icing on the cake that willie nelson is totally awesome, and he's pretty cute for being 72-years old. okay, that's kind of weird, but he kind of is. anyway, of course the article mentions some possible downsides to biodiesel blah blah blah, but then in typical nyt fashion, they have to mention something that has nothing to do with the article. in the last paragraph, the writer just has to mention the millions of dollars in taxes, willie once owed to the IRS. what this has to do with biodiesel, i don't know. i hate the new york times.

very superstitious

call me superstitious, but i suspect that it is not a good start to the day when you have to buy cortizone cream at the pickwick discount store across the street to treat some crazy rash on your left wrist.

congratulations, worker #3116

my friend and mentor, worker #3116, got a shout out in gawker today. that's a pretty big deal in the blogger world. just don't forget the little people, my friend.

public service announcement

hey people, not to get your panties in a bunch about new year's eve, but there are only four new year's eves left to wear your 200X glasses. do not take this privelege for granted. (see also the illustration i inspired at little animals)

give me a break

i first saw this reported on gawker, but i had to also post something on it. i really can't believe that the new york times had an article in their style section about new yorkers committing serious fashion faux pas during the transit strike.

"This week the strike began amid below-freezing temperatures, inspiring a few clever style strategies, but mostly a troubling assortment of faux pas. Some of them, like what appears to be a sudden outbreak of studiously mismatched winter accessories, are inexplicable in a city that should be accustomed to dressing for long stretches of cold weather."

seriously nyt, if you thought you reached some lows with jayson blair and judith miller, think again.

striped and skinny quick vote

is it worth spending $500 in plane tickets to visit your family for christmas when your fondest memory of the trip is watching three episodes of project runway since you don't have cable back home?

yes or no?

i'm every woman

one of my guilty pleasures when i'm at home during a weekday is watching oprah. today she has faith hill on. i could give a rat's ass about faith hill, but i'm still watching because it is oprah. twenty minutes into the show, faith hill has received crazy, wild applause from the audience for eating dinner at 5:30 with her entire family, for having her kids in bed by 8pm every night, and for cooking. wow, faith hill is totally awesome! i predict that further into the show faith hill will be wildly applauded for also going numbers 1 and 2 and for having her period every month.

bedbugs 2: the conspiracy

so, we arrive home from the midwest yesterday, and there is a note in our hallway regarding the bedbugs situation in d-2. d-2 writes that she in fact does not have bedbugs but has "spider mites, beetles, and other harmless bugs." also, she has consulted "an expert with a microscope and a dermatologist." wtf? we think that the management company has either payed her off, or they threatened that she would have to pay for the building extermination, so now she is backing down. and if she truly doesn't have bedbugs, why does she have so many other bugs in her apartment? boy, are we in a quandary. no one knows what to do now. i mean d-2 removed all of her furniture and had her apartment exterminated multiple times because she thought she had bedbugs. something is surely smelling rotten to me.

the real hazeldove

here's a funny quote from my grandma today, the real hazeldove. "i don't care what you say. that j.lo is real pretty, much better lookin' than that husband of hers. i think she dresses down when she is with him." oh, hazeldove. we went out to lunch with her, and i drove her and darkpony in her 1988 buick regal. that thing can really cruise. since i hadn't driven in over a year and a half, i did pretty well. only went through one stop sign without stopping. we ate at steak 'n shake and really confused our waitress. my grandma thought she only ordered one drink but had ordered two. the real hazeldove thought that the waitress should have known to only bring her one drink because who orders two drinks? anyway, the waitress couldn't handle the stress of the drink situation, so the manager had to serve us from then on. we even took the two drinks, so i don't know what the big hoo haa was. then, we went shopping at farm 'n fleet. i love that place. darkpony was disappointed because they were out of crossbows. they usually are. today was the day we hit only places called ____ 'n ____. okay, this is my last blog until i return to nyc on tuesday. i hope you will be able to survive. peace out.

deliverance?

darkpony and i have made it safely to the heartland. we are at the local library where we had to donate a kidney to use the computers. in true heartland fashion, my mother still writes checks whenever she purchases something. we've already been to wal-mart, big lots, hobby lobby, and deals (nothing over $1). darkpony won't like everyone knowing this, but he has something for farmers' wives. when we were at the airport, waiting to board our flight from o'hare to downstate, he said, "do you think that couple are country bumpkins? because if she is the wife of a farmer, she's pretty hot." this all stems from his love for a documentary that was on pbs a couple of years ago called the farmer's wife. he always said the woman in the documentary was hot stuff despite her messed up teeth. anyway, all is well so far. my mom's cat loves to give the love. she even has given me two hugs. her breath is a little stanky, but she can't help that. what a sweetheart. tonight is our big night out. we're going out for pizza at 5pm. party on!

Zoo: Snatched penguin may be Christmas gift

i'm going to owe darkpony big time.

on a lighter note

in the lobby of our apartment building, there is a table where residents put out stuff they would like to give away rather than throw away. usually people put out books, computer equipment, magazines, and furniture, stuff that people might take. for the past couple of days, there has been a pimp hat. it looks exactly like the picture- the red flames pimp hat. hey apt. b-3, no one wants your pimp hat. i'm guessing at the apartment, but the guy who lives in b-3 would totally dress up like a pimp for halloween. i have a gut feeling about this one.

i'm blaming george bush, again

so, it looks like this transit strike is a bit of an inconvenience. on the positive side, i am at home and not planning on going to work. i would like to say that the majority of the media, commuters, etc. are blaming the TWU and their "selfishness" for this strike. hey people, let's blame the freakin' MTA instead. the MTA sucks, and we all know it. did the MTA need to offer half price holiday fares this year? no, and it was impossible for anyone to take advantage of the offer unless you were a tourist. did the MTA need to spend $2 million on advertising for the half price holiday fares campaign? i don't think so. hey MTA, stop being such stingy a-holes, and give the TWU the money they deserve. also, peter kalikow (MTA chairman), i'm on to you, you republican crony to governor pataki. and mayor bloomberg, you are sooo awesome walking across the brooklyn bridge this morning. you are so down with the common person. i still can't believe that you claim to be a democrat who chose to run on the republican ticket, so you could easily win the mayor's race. i fell for that crap during the first election, but i didn't vote for you the second time. i'm still mad that bloomberg allowed the republicans' to hold their convention here last summer. talk about an inconvenience to the people of nyc. i haven't even drunk a budweiser since august 2004 because they were such a visible sponsor of the convention. okay, i guess i'm a little off topic here, but in the bigger picture of politics, we need to not fall for such republican trickery such as played by bloomberg and stand behind our liberal candidates, no matter who they are. that's why i'm blaming george bush. are you with me?

why am i at work?

i haven't done one productive thing this morning except post the tomkat pictures to my blog. i should have taken today and tomorrow off. god, i hope there is a transit strike. by the way, this is rabbit roo.

tom cruise is still a freak while katie holmes remains brainwashed

Tom Cruise gives fiancée Katie Holmes a hand as she blows out her birthday candles at FAO Schwarz on Thursday. The New York City toy store opened after-hours for her surprise 27th-birthday party.

Cruise and Holmes steal a kiss and share a three-way hug with an oversized stuffed bear after checking out the store's most famous toy: a floor piano. And like Tom Hanks's Big character, Cruise ran atop the keyboard, adding his own move: a handstand. (source: People online)

hey tom, katie turned 27, not 7, and why do you always got to be doing gymnastics? that backflip you did in the firm was totally unnecessary.

polar bears drown as ice shelf melts

once again, i am blaming george bush for this problem.

does nyc suck, the new york times suck, or both?

does this make anyone else feel like puking? this city is turning into one big luxury condo.

New York, Once a Lure, Is Slowly Losing the Creative Set
...But relentless inflation in real estate and health care costs are endangering New York's long dominance in the creative sector, according to a new report, as artists and companies migrate to less expensive cities eager to lure them.

On a Creek With a Past, Waterfront Dreams
A lot at 99 Commercial Street, which is as famous as the Gowanus for its gritty industrial feel, could be the future of luxury housing in Brooklyn.

Turning the High Line Into ... the High Life
...Say hello to designer buildings, valet parking, concierges, meditation gardens and, oh yes, lines of limos jockeying for position outside the borough's trendiest new restaurants branded by celebrity chefs like Mario Batali, Tom Colicchio and Masaharu Morimoto.

A Hard Sell for a Park Named Brooklyn Bridge
The park would also have 710 units of luxury housing on sites near Atlantic Avenue and John Street, along with a hotel and restaurant near Old Fulton Street. And it is this part of the project that has troubled some local residents.

(source: NYT online)

it's the final countdown

in five days time, i will be back in my hometown for the holidays and subjected to the following kinds of situations, thanks to my mother. darkpony is also vulnerable.

1. _____ was just busted for pot possession and lost her teaching job because of it. let's stop by and give her a gift to cheer her up.
2. let's stop by ____'s x-mas party. by the way, a lot of your former elementary, middle, and high school teachers are going to be there.
3. i've invited my new co-worker over for dinner. he happens to be the same age as you, attended the same college, and lived in the same dormitory.
4. do you mind talking to this student of mine? he's interested in attending college in new york. i think that he's confused about his sexuality.
5. _____, _____, and _____ want to go shopping at t.j. maxx with us.
6. darkpony won't mind manning the plant shop while you drive me to get my nails done.
7. i've invited _____ and _____ over for spaghetti. i'll protect you when skeevy ____ gets touch feely after he's been drinking.
8. ____ has heard so much about you from me and wants to give you a gift.
9. darkpony can help your brother dig the grave in the backyard.
10. we are going out for pizza with _____who has _____ (fill in the disability/illness).

you may have noticed that none of these are questions but statements. here's typical dialogue after one of these statements is made.

me: (whining) god mom, no. why do you do this to me every time? i don't care to see those people. i don't even know them.

my mother: just do it for me.

if one of these demands involves darkpony, i hear this from her:

my mother: i don't care if he gets in a big huff. he's doing it for me.

miss crankypants

that's me. firstly, there is no transit strike, so i'm at work instead of lying in my bed. secondly, someone in our apartment building on our floor has bedbugs. that shit better not spread. i've got the cats on guard duty.

hollywood ruins more lives

due to the success of march of the penguins, penguins all over the world are comparing themselves to their counterparts on the big screen. just like with teenage girls and nicole richie, more and more penguins are exercising to overcome their poor body image. as we all know, exercise is the gateway drug to bulimia.

uh oh, the first cat post

actually, i just needed to post a cute picture because all of those pictures of masks are starting to freak me out. here's the real party animal, pony p. aka trouble clef (that's his rapper name).

anonymity- it's a good thing

i don't know if other people have this problem, but darkpony and i have both been in situations where a street vendor gets to know you too well and expects you to patronize their cart everyday. i've been in three situations involving my morning coffee. i've had to change my route from the subway to the office in order to avoid various carts. fortunately, the coffee cart world is constantly shifting and sometimes the coffee cart guy i've been avoiding disappears forever. thank god. darkpony's problem is much more serious and expensive because it involves the lunch cart guy. there is a cart directly in front of his building, and darkpony is now forced to eat lamb almost everyday, except when the lamb has run out. then the guy forces him to eat a philly cheesesteak which is really just steakums. darkpony's health is in serious decline due to his red meat intake. i just wanted to warn you of this serious epidemic. bird flu has got nothing on this.

is it the hat?

i just got caught up looking at the website where i pulled the gorilla picture for my previous post and am royally confused. what makes the animal on the bottom a party animal and the top one a dirty rat? i think the dirty rat could be a party animal and the party animal a dirty dog/wolf. are you with me?

king yawn

it looks like a lot of movie reviewers have king kong-sized boners (hee hee) over the new king kong movie. i'm not much of a film buff or film historian, but all i can say is that peter jackson has sold his soul to steven spielberg. i've only seen one of peter jackson's pre-lotr movies [heavenly creatures], and thought it was great. plus, it didn't involve that creepy andy serkis guy. let's not forget that history often repeats itself. the first king kong was a snoozefest, the second king kong was a snoozefest, which guarantees that this one will be the ultimate snoozefest, clocking in at three hours. sweet dreams.

contingency schmotingency plan

just received the email memo about the nyc transit strike contingency plan. guess what? my contingency plan is going to involve me lying in my bed all day. that's right.

my first ipod

there was a guy on the subway the other night, and he must have had the first ipod ever made. the thing was huge. it was like an inch and a half thick and had these two big white sliding buttons on the top. i was surprised to see that it still was working since most people i know have had to trade theirs in for a new one. it's so sad that it's like a collector's item even though it is only 4 years old at the most? what this proves is that the newer and slimmer the ipod, the shoddier the product. i hear the new ones don't even come with adapters. that's just lame.

holidays of our lives

this scene really did occur, though i have taken some liberties with the dialogue.

(kitchen)
mother: why do you have to be such a pain in the ass? you're just like your father.
daughter: don't make me throw this can of coke on the floor. (daughter gently sets coke can on table and runs out of kitchen crying)
daughter: i hate her, i hate her... (yelled while running through the dining room, living room, and up the stairs to her childhood bedroom. daughter runs past her brother and his wife who are laughing at her. she slams the door to her bedroom and falls dramatically on the bed while sobbing).
(enter grandma)
grandma: please come back downstairs. you know that she didn't mean it.
daughter: i'm not coming back down until SHE apologizes to me.
(20 minutes pass)
mother: okay, i'm sorry. you know that i have a hard time dealing with the holidays. i didn't mean to take things out on you.
(daughter reluctantly gets off of the bed and goes back downstairs with tears in her eyes.)

hey, mr. kotter

dear mr. travolta,

putting scientology aside, why are you such a freak? and why do you always have to dance? i understand your connection to saturday night fever and all, but dude, that was like thirty years ago. also, why are you a pilot for quantas airlines? and another thing, please tell your equally crazy wife kelly to stop spoutin' off about your sex life to the public. now, i know that you are part of the mile high club, but it doesn't even count when you do it in your own quantas airplane. i do thoroughly regret ever thinking that you were actually kind of attractive and an okay actor in the movie blow out.

yours truly,
hazeldove

p.s. i hope that you are taking care of your sister, ellen, financially. i haven't really seen her in anything since charles in charge went off the air.

the bookmark lives

last night on the subway, i noticed that both people who were reading books within my vicinity were also using some serious bookmarks. i have never been able to use a bookmark, so i really admire those who do. the guy who was reading a nelson demille novel had a traditional one that was pink with a white tassel at the top. i bet it had a bible verse on the body of it. the woman who was reading james patterson had some wack contraption attached to her book that looked really complicated. i'm really glad to see that the bookmark business is thriving, and now, i know what to get everyone for christmas.

target target

i admit, i love me some target like the rest of you, but it's time that you consider not shopping there. firstly, it looks like target has succumbed to the pressure of our fundamentalist christian friends and have started using "merry christmas" in their advertising instead of "happy holidays." secondly, target allows its pharmacists to refuse to fill presriptions of plan b based on their pharmacists' religious beliefs. this rule does not apply to any other medications, only plan b. thirdly, i'm really hating their holiday, i mean christmas, ads this year. seriously, target ain't as cool as they try to make themselves appear.

bing & david 4 eva

once again it's that time of year to wonder what the heck brought david bowie and bing crosby together in 1977 to sing the little drummer boy/peace on earth duet. the singing itself is fine, but the awkward scripted banter before the singing starts is the absolute worst. bing crosby did die only a month after the recording, so maybe that explains things. probably not.

what would j.crew do?

i just wanted to give some major props to my friend, worker #3116, over at corporate casual. someone told me that my blogging style is very similar, but worker #3116 really does it much better. hey worker #3116, thanks for letting me be your protege. really check it out because it is some hilarious stuff.

iraqi idol

i just had to share something funny that darkpony said today. we were talking about the upcoming election in iraq, and darkpony said, "there's more voting in iraq than there is on american idol."

santa fetus

if there is one thing that darkpony and i can agree on, it's that we can't stand the song, santa baby. the original (i think it's the original) is godawful enough with that woman singing like she's a sexy little girl, but even worse are the numerous covers with their unhilarious lyric changes. like today, i'm out shopping, and i hear a version of the song sung by either jon bon jovi or john cougar mellencamp with a lyric that's been changed to "an electric guitar under the tree." clever. it would be funny, however, if jo(h)n whoever sang it as a sexy little girl.

the pride of columbus

reading the new york times online today just confirmed to me that nyc must have the lowest murder rate in the world. it seems only women who are white, middle class, a transplant to the city, and with a dream to succeed have been murdered. it is super nice of the times to devote so much space in their newspaper when someone is murdered, like with this aspiring dancer from ohio. the only other murder i can recall happening this year was the struggling actress/playwright who was shot on the lower east side. and who can forget the aspiring model who was almost murdered on the subway last year? maybe i should be concerned about my own safety. i'm white, middle class, from a small town in the midwest, and trying to succeed at my own dream of working for the man. gosh, life must be pretty good for those who aren't a white woman.

sam loser, part deux

so, i see that sam champion is hosting another local show that goes beyond his weatherman duties. at least this one is on when it's supposed to be, 7:30pm tonight. sam, it's fine to have one of your crap shows on instead of wheel of fortune but during wife swap? sheesh.

told you so

i was just watching the local news, and there was a report that some dogs were shocked on the upper east side today due to some defective cable connected with con edison and george bush (see earlier post). in other news, residents of who cares, new jersey, got three minutes of coverage about the tiny seismic shocks that were felt in their area last night. this really annoyed me because i remember when one month after 9/11, some earthquake hit lic, like right under our apartment building with a huge kaboom boom, and i couldn't find a single news story about it. it scared the shit out of us. let me just say that darkpony was a little disappointed with my emergency preparedness and slow exit strategy. you'll have to ask him about it. yes, i am home on a friday night.

it's a miracle

i was just commenting to darkpony that i'm at twenty posts and not one has been about cats. believe you me, i'm also shocked.

does being nearsighted count?

i know that you have probably been seriously thinking about what to get me for christmas, and saying to yourself, "gee, what do i get the girl who has everything?" well, how about something small like my very own guide horse. i know, i know, my vision is intact, but i could use the extra assistance to get around this crazy city. just an idea... how can you resist those sleepy babies? don't forget an extra two pairs of sneaks for the little guy. that's where the real expense comes into play.

'tis the season to get electrocuted

i don't know if other cities have this problem, but nyc has a bad track record with metal transformer boxes and other metal things involving electricity at street level becoming live due to corrosion from snow and salt. one woman died two years ago in the east village, and i believe that some dogs have been killed or seriously injured. actually, the real culprit in all this is con edison. hey con edison, i hope my almost $100 per month electricity bill since june will help pay to prevent this problem. now that i think about it, i think that george bush should be blamed because he is driving up my electric bill. anyway, be vigilant out there and always wear rubber soled shoes.

a shout out to kanna

kanna is my japanese hairstylist, and last time she cut my hair, we decided to go pretty short. kanna, though, had the foresight to leave some longer pieces, so that i wouldn't look hairless when sporting a winter cap. today, that plan went into effect and all went smoothly. thanks kanna. i would rather look like a hassidic jewish boy anyday than a hairless freak.

if a picture paints a thousand words

this photo has rendered me speechless.

oooh snap!

A $3 million donation to a school in Texas is returned after the donor asked that Brokeback Mountain be removed from an optional 12th-grade reading list. (source: PW Daily)

that's right. no one needs your "philanthropy" with strings attached.

goodbye mcdonald's, hello wendy's

i just payed $2.80 for two hamburgers at mcdonald's. i'm talking no cheese, no fries, and no coca-cola. my trip to mcdonald's has just reminded me why i love wendy's and its $.99 value menu so much:

1. variety- you've got your choice of chili, cheesburgers, baked potatoes, side salads, fries, crispy chicken nuggets, and drinks, all for $.99.
2. i never see anyone from work there- it's usually me, high school students, and homecare givers.
3. i believe that it is kind of healthy- especially when i order only a baked potato and a side salad.

oh, clementine

last night i was eating a clementine, and i kid you not, there were more than twenty seeds in it. i should have been paid to eat that clementine because it was a lot of work.

wawaya

i came across these super cute dolls on flickr. they make me want to sew my own dolls, but i don't think that you can get any cuter than these. i think that i'm going to buy one for a friend's baby. they are really too cute. i could look at them all day long. i love them.

100 posters, 134 squirrels

100 posters, 134 squirrels by jay ryan is a neat book that we purchased at the small press fair last weekend. i not only like the book for its pictures and colors but also because a lot of the silkscreened posters are for bands from my college town. it takes me down the old memory lane. check it out.

get this book or cry tryin'

in the kitchenette at work, there are letters posted from underprivileged elementary school children asking for some books they would like for x-mas. we're supposed to donate some money to help buy these. one girl's letter says that she would either like a book by eric carle, anastasia krupnik by lois lowry, or from pieces to weight by 50 cent. hey little leasa, turn that frown upside down. as meatloaf would sing, two out of three ain't bad.

you must believe

yesterday morning there was the usual subway trouble on my line the e. fortunately, i live in a bit of a subway hub, so while i was walking to another train line, this woman behind me was yelling over and over to no one in particular, "i can't believe this, i can't believe this..." believe it, freak.

a november to remember

last week was the 50th anniversary of rosa parks' bus riding defiance in montgomery, alabama. while watching the national news, there was a story about the anniversary and someone who was interviewed roughly said that ms. parks would have appreciated how far things have come. i thought didn't she recently die? wow, she would have really been proud of how things have progressed in the last two months.

rules rule

recently on the local news there have been some stories about the new subway rules that are in effect. most people that were interviewed thought these rules were stupid. not me. i love rules. i think that there should be more of them, especially on the subway. my better half's last name is even a homonym of rule. my favorite new rule is that you are not supposed to take up more than one seat on the subway, like those people who sit with their legs really wide apart to take up as much room as possible. you know what my rule would be? if your big old melon head can fit between your legs, then you're taking up too much room.

marveling

today at work some women were "marveling" about the ladies' room on my floor, which made me wonder if these women had been locked in a dungeon their whole lives.

you go, flo

did you know that florence nightingale was a master statistician who invented the pie chart? i work with numbers and charts, so i like this fact.

sam loser

ever since moving to nyc, i've been fascinated by sam champion, the channel 7 weatherman. i don't know if it is his highlighted blond hair, super pearly whites, or the fact that he takes the weather forecast way too seriously. actually, i'm most fascinated by the rumor that has been circulating for years that he and the baseball player mike piazza are lovers. i don't care about baseball or really know who mike piazza is, but i do know that he often has a groin injury. hee hee.
well, last night sam champion went a little too far with his television connections. there is nothing i would rather do on a monday night than watch one of my favorite shows, wife swap. as i'm prepping for wife swap, i see a commercial for a show about a comedy festival that is hosted by sam champion. this show is supposed to be on instead of wife swap. sam must have something on someone to get this prime time billing. i mean this is one of those shows that usually is on at six on a saturday morning because it's stupid and local.
now, i hate sam champion. he also wrongly forecast that some big noreaster was going to hit last night. maybe it was because he was too busy with a certain comedy festival.
also, sam champion likes to say in commercials that that is his real name. no shit, sherlock.

potpourri killed the radio star

our apartment building almost burned down last night thanks to some a-hole on the first floor. i'm not sure what happened, but i speculate that the same person who was heating some sort of nasty anise scented potpourri on their stovetop was the same person who forgot to turn off said stove once going to bed. why do people feel the need to boil a large pot of sticks, leaves, and seeds during the holidays?